Sexy Squad Seven
by Rick K'Tish
Summary: Everything is Hatake Sakumo's fault. Analytical Kakashi feels that ninja should be informed of everything at their disposal. And Konoha will never be the same. Rated for adult themes and situations, and Satsuki's tunnel vision.


**UPDATE 1/3/17: Kessapearl is bugging me to update, but I really don't have a lot of material for this, and I'm really trying to put my energy into Accidental and Gaki-Sempai right now, and it seems like there's not really a lot of overall interest in this. So, as a result of all these factors, I've promised Kessapearl that if I get 10 favorites, follows, or reviews, I'll update. Until then, I can't let this be my biggest priority. My deepest apologies to Kirah14, MawVax, elishakanzen, nattie81, thefangirlofthedead1, DreamingChaos6, EvilDemon1999, and Mithril Shade; I promise that even though it's not the highest on my list, it is still important to me, and I will be trying to update it eventually, but it could be a while. Please be patient with me.**

 **So... this is the brainchild that happens when Kessapearl and I lose our group at Comic-Con and spend hours talking about next year's costumes without supervision.**

 **JSYK, this actually is what we'll be wearing- I'm going to be Kakashi, she'll be Naruko, and we're working on a suitable Satsuki and Sakura. We're hoping to do different outfits for all three days- formal dress, mission clothes, and day off. It's gonna be _awesome._ So... Salt Lake Comic-Con, 2017. Be there. **

**Anyway, here it is. Please don't hate me; even though it's really crack-ish, I promise there will be legitimate story and feels.**

 **DISCLAIMER: Don't own, never have, never will.**

 **Enjoy.**

Really, it could all be blamed on Hatake Sakumo. If he had just clarified a few things for poor Kakashi, things would have gone an entirely different direction. Unfortunately, Sakumo saw no need to do such a thing, and so...

 **Konoha, twelve years ago:**

"Wait, what?"

Minato looked at his tiny silver haired student in surprise. Kakashi want usually one to interrupt so rudely during a mission explanation, let alone with such an alarmed expression.

"What seems to be the problem, Kakashi-chan?"

"I told you not to call me that. I'm not _that_ small. Anyway, you mean there's more difference between boys and girls than what they wear and call themselves?"

Minato froze. Rin froze. Obito jerked like he was surprised and looked oddly at his rival.

"Are you trying to grow a sense of humor _now?_ Because I hate to break it to you, but this might be a sign it's already too late."

"Oh, very funny. Oh, wait, it wasn't; you just thought it was. Because someday, _you're_ going to be cracking your last joke on the battlefield, and _I'm_ going to be alive," the younger child retorted, then turned back to Minato. "Seriously, though, Sensei, what are you talking about?"

Kakashi didn't know...? That was...

Actually, that might explain a lot. And given the way his other two students were looking at their little genius...

"Um... tell you what, Obito, Rin; you've got the basics of the mission. You two can have the rest of the day off. Kashi and I apparently have something very important to discuss."

And so Hatake Kakashi was introduced to the idea of _gender,_ and the fact that girls' parts were different from boys' parts, and that was how it was supposed to be.

"Well, why didn't anybody _tell_ me?!" the prodigy grouched as Minato finished his blushing explanation with the aid of his fiancée, Kushina.

"Ah, everyone, er, kind of assumed that you would already _know._ That's part of the stuff you're supposed to learn at home before you go to the academy." Poor Minato was really out of his depth in this situation. The flat look he was granted by his student did nothing to help.

"I'm going to ignore that comment with the assumption that you somehow managed to forget the fact that I went to the academy before most of my peers were speaking in complete sentences," Kakashi huffed. "So, if that's the case, what is this 'penis' or 'vagina', and how do I tell which one I have?"

Kushina laughed out loud as Minato promptly passed out.

"Come here, kiddo. Let's get you sorted out before sleeping beauty over here comes back to the land of the living and has to deal with it himself."

The twelve-year-old sighed and followed the redhead. When Minato awoke, it wasn't for very long, because his wife-to-be greeted him with the news of her discovery upon his awakening:

For seven years of being Hatake Kakashi's Sensei, Namikaze Minato had been wrong.

 **Present day Konoha:**

"Team four will be..." Iruka said, listing the names. Uzumaki Naruko listened raptly to each name; any team could be hers until the third name was read. Unfortunately, each so far had been met with only disappointment, and she was staying to worry. She'd passed so late, after all— maybe too late for them to assign her a team!

Haruno Sakura was also listening attentively to each team being listed. This was her chance to finally show up Ino-pig and _prove_ that she was Satsuki's best friend.

Not that it needed to be proven; although Sakura had been the one to actually try to comfort the girl after her family's slaughter at the hands of the beloved elder brother, Uchiha Satsuki didn't believe in friendship. Or trust. Or love. Or, really, anything like interpersonal relationships at all.

Satsuki herself was apathetic toward the listing of names. So long as she didn't get a team that that would hold her back, she didn't care who was on it.

Finally, Iruka had made it through all but three of the names on the list. Several numbers had been skipped due to their belonging to existing teams, but otherwise all seemed to be in order. He began, "Finally, team— _ugh._ Oh no."

The look on the academy teacher's face spoke of utmost reluctance. "Excuse me, _squad_ seven, under the— ah— _fine tutelage_ of Hatake Kakashi, will consist of Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Satsuki, and Uzumaki Naruko."

None of them heard the "I am _so sorry_ " added onto the end, over Naruko's loud cheering and exclamations.

"An all-girls team?" Ino objected, "Whoever heard of that? What's going on?"

Iruka grimaced. "It would seem that Hatake-san has finally agreed to take on a team— on the condition that the members are entirely female, ' _so that they might be better trained to use all facets of their natures to their advantage_.' "

Someone whispered, "But isn't Kakashi a boy's name?" and was quickly silenced.

Iruka sighed, looking around the room. "That aside, any further information you may require you will receive from your Jounin instructor. Farewell and good luck to you all; there is much potential in this class. I would hate to see it wasted." The Chunin almost grimaced again at the thought, carefully not looking at the newly named Squad Seven, then nodded once to the Jounin around him. "I entrust them to your care."

Then he shunshinned away.

Silence reigned for a moment.

Finally one of the Jounin instructors, Sarutobi Asuma, broke it.

"Whelp, we all know what Hatake's like; we'd better get going if we don't want to be waiting here all day. Team Ino-Shika-Cho, let's head out."

Satsuki raised an eyebrow as the other teams began to file out of the room. They most certainly did _not_ know what Hatake Kakashi was like. What could be meant by 'waiting here all day?'

Three his later, she felt that she might know. "What is this? Does he think that just because he's a Jounin, he can make us wait all afternoon?"

Satsuki resisted the urge to roll her eyes at Naruko's exclamation. Sakura did no such thing.

"We don't even know that it's a man, Naruko. Honestly! Why would they—"

"Put a man in charge of an all-girl team?" Naruko leered at the pinkette. "Iruka-Sensei said _agreed_ , right? On _condition,_ right?" The blonde shrugged. "Either they're a girl, most likely one with something against men,or else _opinions_ , or they're a _letch_ of the hugest degree. Obviously." Another leer, this time darker and more evil-looking. "And Kakashi _is_ a guy's name, after all."

Sakura sputtered, then said " _Highest_ , not _hugest,_ " to regain the upper ground. Naruko made a face and crossed her arms, turning away with a huff. Sakura turned away also, leaving them staring at opposite walls. Silence returned the semblance of peace to the sunset-lit classroom. Satsuki, unresponsive as ever, made no comment, but contemplated the dobe's assessment nonetheless.

A moment passed, then two.

"Imma prank 'em."

"You _what?_ " Sakura burst out, spinning again to face her nemesis in her surprise.

Naruko rolled her eyes as she rose out of her seat and headed for the blackboard. "I _said,_ I'm going to prank our new Jounin instructor. Serves 'em right for making us wait so long." Carefully, the short blonde selected the perfect eraser-bomb and started pulling a chair to the door.

"Are you an _idiot_? This is our _Jounin-Sensei_ we're talking about! First of all, do you _really_ want this to be the first impression you give the person who's going to be teaching us how to survive out there? And second, what kind of Jounin would even fall for that?"

"I don't care about first impressions. They're usually ruined for me just by saying my name, anyway. As for what kind of self-respecting Jounin would allow themselves to get hit by such a simple prank, barely worthy of its place in the repertoire of the matter of all pranks... well, hopefully Hatake Kakashi." She closed her eyes and nodded to herself seriously, arms crossed in deep thought. "Jounin is only one official rank below Hokage, after all. Jounin must be _awesome_. So if I were a Jounin, I'd only get hit by pranks if I _let_ them hit me."

"Maa, maa, you ruined all my fun, Naru-chan!" came a voice through the door, pitched low and gravelly but with an oddly high undertone. "Now Saku-chan and Tsuki-chan will wonder if I let it land."

The door slid open quickly and the eraser bomb fell gently into the gloved hand that awaited it. So entered one who could only be Hatake Kakashi, wreathed in the glory that is inexcusable tardiness: a flak vest over 3/4 length ninja wire sleeves like Nara Shikamaru's, with navy blue cargo pants wrapped in bandages halfway up each calf and ninja-issue sandals and thigh-wrap weapons pouch; gravity-defying hair of maybe-silver-maybe-gray skewed a little to the left; and, oddly, a mask to cover everything below the single dark gray eye not hidden by the worn but still well cared for Hitai-ate slanted over the left.

 _Man, then,_ thought Satsuki and Sakura, and somehow knew on some instinctual level that they had made the same assessment. There was no guessing what Naruko thought, of course, but majority obviously ruled that they must be right. Not even the Jounin-issue flak jackets could possibly disguise any curves that well if they existed, therefore they must not exist.

Arrogantly either unaware or uncaring of the mental solidarity the girls were experiencing, Hatake's head tilted thoughtfully.

"Now, I know what Naru-Chan said about first impressions, but being honest here, mine is... only one of you here is smart enough to even consider making it in the Ninja world." Ignorant of the suddenly charged atmosphere as each of the Genin wondered which of them it was, the Jounin continued. "Maa... let's meet on the roof. Chop-chop!"

The shunshin caught all the of them by surprise, but not for long. After a bare moment's shock, Sakura and Satsuki were dashing out the door toward the stairs to the roof, while Naruko did the same with the window. They were all up to the top of the building in less than a minute, each desperate for their new Sensei's approval.

"Maa, maa, not bad, for brats fresh out of the Academy." The girls started to smile, until Hatake finished the thought: "But not good enough. Not nearly good enough, if you plan to live."

"W-What do you— what do you mean, S-Sensei?" Sakura gasped, winded from the mad dash up the stairs. The part of her that could pay attention to it was furious that Naruko seemed only barely out of breath.

"Where to begin?" Hatake pondered. "Well, in the time it took you to get up here, I could, say... plant a thousand exploding tags so that when you got here, you would have no time to get away before you would already be dead. Or I could grab a hostage to hold against you— maybe even your client. Not to mention the fact that you split up in such a way that you would have had no idea had your third teammate been captured or otherwise incapacitated before your arrival at your destination. Honestly; you guys have a _long_ way to go. But even more problematic than those flaws is the fact that you two have already decided— and you've decided wrong."

Sakura and Satsuki shared a confused glance.

Speaking for the first time that day, Satsuki asked, "Decided what?"

Even with only one eye visible, Hatake Kakashi did an impressive skeptical eyebrow. "Maa... didn't you decide I was a man as soon as you saw me?"

In a motion that must have been swift but somehow slowed to almost a crawl before their eyes, one gloved hand rose to the zipper on the flak vest and pulled downward. Slowly, slowly the hand seemed to descend, until it reached about belly button level, and suddenly the entire vest seemed to burst and there spilled out—

"Impressive things, these issued vests, doncha think?" Hatake commented a little wryly at the sets of wide eyes before her.

"D?" Naruko guessed contemplatively, perhaps wondering how the vest concealed such things, or the actual size of said things, or— well, really, with Naruko, you never knew.

"Really? Is that what they look like? Maybe Anko was right about making them smaller by wearing the vest closed." Hatake sounded surprised, and perhaps a little bit... pleased?

 _There can't possibly be a bra under there,_ Sakura thought at the eyeful of thin black material leaning now out of the vest before her. All Satsuki could think was _TITS!_ as she found herself unable to drag her eyes from the points extending beyond the enormous mounds.

Hatake put her hands on her hips, maybe intentionally (or maybe not... it's always possible...) causing the already distracting appendages to protrude even more obviously from their previous hiding place.

"This is why it's always important that you keep your options open. _Never_ stick to your first assumption; it's most likely wrong." She sat down gracefully and leaned back on her hands, nodding at them to do the same. Sakura pulled the frozen Satsuki to the ground, not managing to break her trance. "Now then, since the assessment portion of the greeting is over, let's do introductions. Just say your name, likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams— that kind of stuff. Whatever. I guess I'll go first:

"My name is Hatake Kakashi. I don't care what you call me for the most part, although just Kakashi or Kakashi-Sensei is probably easiest. I like a lot of things. There aren't so many things that I dislike so much as I'm indifferent to them. My hobbies aren't fit for your innocent ears, and my dreams... huh. None that I can think of right now. Maa, whatever. How about you go next, Saku-Chan?"

How it could be so obvious that a person was smiling from a single eye was a puzzle to baffle out another time, Sakura decided.

"I am Haruno Sakura, from the civilian Haruno clan. I mostly like talking about boys and makeup and going shopping for the latest trends and spending time with Satsuki-Chan. I mostly dislike annoying people and gross foods. My hobbies are reading and learning about iryojutsu and arguing with annoying people. My dream for the future is to meet the famous Slug Sannin, Tsunade-hime, and to prove Ino wrong once and for all!"

Kakashi-Sensei nodded to herself thoughtfully. "I had a teammate once from the nin branch of your clan— Nohara Rin. And now Tsuki-Chan?"

Satsuki heard a voice calling her as if from a distance, echoing far to reach her. So prominent... so _pointy_... they filled her vision, consuming everything except the voice and a far-off feeling of her pride being obliterated.

 _Satsuki-Chan... Satsuki-Chan..._

The voice was getting closer now, asking her to answer...

A strained, almost-whimper of "T-ti-tuh- _tits_..." broke from her mouth before she could stop it, and suddenly she was back in the real world, blushing furiously. "I-I mean— Um— Ah—"

An amazing production of a smirk, really, especially given the lack of visible face. "Oh, I'm sorry, Satsuki-Chan; am I making you uncomfortable?"

"N-NO! I just— ah— duh—"

"Maa, maa. Don't worry, that's kind of the point." She suddenly grew serious. "Now, name. Likes. Dislikes. Hobbies. Dreams. Spew."

Satsuki finally tore her eyes away from the offending articles and stared blushing at the ground. "Uchiha Satsuki. I like tomatoes. Not much else. I don't like most things, and I don't care about everything else. I train all the time. That's basically all I do. For the future, I want to kill my brother and then drag him back to Konoha to _fix_ what he did."

Kakashi-Sensei looked at her consideringly for a moment, then nodded approvingly. "Obito would have _adopted_ you." Somehow she made the word sound like it had a different and far more significant meaning than normally.

"Obito?" Satsuki asked, confused.

"My other old teammate," Kakashi-Sensei waved it off. "And now, last but _very_ much not least, Naru-Chan."

Naruko grinned like no tomorrow, very nearly blinding Sakura and Satsuki both. They wondered how Kakashi-Sensei could stand to look straight into its brilliance. Maybe it had something to do with the way she half-closed her eye at all times?

"I'm Uzumaki Naruko, and I'm gonna be the first girl Hokage! I like Ramen, and Ramen, and Ramen, and Mr Ukki, and Ramen, and being a ninja, and RAMEN! And nice people who talk to me. I don't like mean people and waiting for Ramen and jerks who don't like me, except the jerks in our class, 'cause they just don't like how loud I am. But I like being loud, so sucks to be them! My hobbies are training and watering Mr Ukki and my other friends so they don't die and eating Ramen! And someday, I'm gonna be Hokage and be stronger than all of the Sennin combined, dattebayo! And then it won't matter if people are mean to me, 'cause I'll be in charge of them, and they can't do anything about it!"

Kakashi nodded approvingly as Naruko's triumphant laugh echoed into the astounded silence of their teammates.

 _When did the world stop making sense?_ The two twelve-year-olds wondered.

"Naruko has the right idea. You see, it's all about _advantages._ If you have an advantage— rank, ability, stamina, appearance, distraction— wait until it will serve you best and then _use it._ It will make you more powerful than any other ninja you will ever meet.

"Now, you've passed the Genin exams. That's all well and good, but the real test comes tomorrow, when _I_ will test you, to see if you are worthy of being on my team. If you fail, I _will_ send you back to the academy for another year. This team is special. It is reserved only for ninja of the highest caliber, who are believed to be able to withstand any pain, any difficulty, _anything_ that might— and I'll tell you right now that that usually means _will—_ befall them."

There was a half-ominous, half-awkward silence as two of the new Genin contemplated what the future could hold for them. Naruko, of course, seemed as oblivious as ever.

Then, quite suddenly, Kakashi-Sensei was cheerful again.

"Anyway, meet me at training ground four tomorrow, and wear something that will help you get what you want out of people! Be careful about what you eat for breakfast unless you want to barf!" She grinned terrifyingly, and shunshinned away.

Silence reigned.


End file.
